The Stages of Dating

Internet dating has changed the traditional dating landscape, promising access to thousands of available singles, and the ability to quickly match people with their ideal mates.

Word of mouth has spread from successful online dating people to those of us who are too busy to meet people normally.

I recently went to popular dating site, eHarmony, to see if I could find my ideal mate. Failing that, I would see if I could find any woman, at all! And so my story begins:

Stage 1: The Real Truth Stage

I started off under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I am. After creating a profile, I messaged a dozen or so potential birds on the board, then sat back and waited for the voluminous responses.

Name: Nutter_Butter
Quote: Could you be the Jelly to my Peanut Butter of an existence?

About me: I'm a 27 year old developer. I'm a nice guy, and although I might seem a bit shy at first, that's only until you get to know me.

What I'm looking for is someone nice, smart, and with a good sense of humor. I'm not too picky about hair color, or body type. So if you've got clean hair, and are even a little overweight, I'd love to hear from you. Hobbies: Video games, designing web pages for friends, taking online personality quizzes.
Likes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters.
Dislikes: none

No responses.

Stage 2: The "Fudging the Truth" Stage

Next, I thought that it might be better to play down my more not-so-attractive qualities and 'gingerly invent' some of my more attractive ones. After searching around eHarmony for some time, I noticed a sub-culture of people who said they were very religious. Thinking that they would be less popular than the other, ungodly girls on the site, I retooled my profile to make me look more like this sub-cultures profile. Also, on the advice of just everyone I've ever talked to about this online dating thing, I decided to not mention that I work on computers for a living.

Name: LittleMelchior
Quote: I followed a star in the sky, I brought myrrh.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old professional. Also, I think you should know I'm already involved in one other relationship. You see, Jesus is in my life. I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend, but understand that Jesus is in my life. Jesus and I aren't that serious! Although, we also are.

What I'm looking for: I'm looking for someone sincere and sweet, who really wants to get to know me. And by know I mean know in the biblical sense, if you know what I'm saying.

I'm talking about sex.

Hobbies: Talking about feelings, writing in my dream journal. Likes: Ballads written for/about The Lord, Triscuit crackers, knowing things. Dislikes: Drugs, Smokers, Birth Control

No responses.

Stage 3: The "Blatant Lying" Stage

With none of my prior tactics working, I created a 3rd profile, this time trying to make it as unrelated to me as possible. I was going for the opposite George thing, from Seinfeld. By going through the ads for a couple hundred or so on eHarmony, I was able to pick out what I thought to be the most attractive bits of all the profiles. I then combined these attractive pieces together to form one uber profile.

Name: SensitiveCaringLawyer32
Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms. I would like to buy things for you with my arms.

About me: I'm a 31-year-old lawyer. I am an incredibly compassionate listener. I have been compassionately listening to women for years, and I am amazing at it! I would like to listen to you talk about how your family members aren't as intelligent as you, and would like to know where you buy dresses. I would then like to show you the view from the terrace of my home, while we drink white wine, and I continue to listen to you describe things that delight or annoy you.

What I'm looking for: I want someone who truly believes, someone who's confident, deep inside, that she is incredibly hot. I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that.

Hobbies: Wearing shirts with my collar up, buying accessories for my cell phone.
Likes: Success, listening, the phrase "meat-wand"
Dislikes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien

No responses.

Stage 4: The "Screw You Bastards" Stage

Frustrated and hardened by my lack of success so far, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how, by creating another online dating profile.

Name: TasteTheLoveTasteIt
Quote: I'm only creepy on the inside, and sometimes on the outside.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old male. I need a girlfriend. Although I've never actually had sexual relations, I have played several video games that simulate the act. So no worries there.

A side note, I am quite religious at times, and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a statue of Pat Sajak from Wheel of Fortune.

What I'm looking for: Twins if possible, bisexual twins preferably. Age-wise, it's probably best if you're over 18. No cops please.

Hobbies: Live Action Role Playing
Likes: Collecting edged weapons, Wheel of Fortune
Dislikes: Jeopardy, online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.

One response, from a team of CIA agents.

Stage 5: The "Giving Up On Society" Stage

Feeling a tad bit better about my attempt to freak out the puritans at eHarmony, I was still stuck in the same boat I started in, girl-friend-less. It wasn't until a few weeks later when some random clicking landed me on a really huge fetish site. This is when I came to a startling revelation, people who are into fetishes are not attractive. Someone who is into fetish stuff is willing to do it with anyone, provided they're also into their particular flavor of fetish-ness. I don't have to be charming, handsome or pleasant, so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit. A bit of hunting found a considerably less savory version of eHarmony, where I posted this:

Name: TickleANDSlap-HoldTheTicklePlease Quote: I hope you need sex really bad, because I'm really bad at sex.

About me: Have you ever heard of those puritans over at eHarmony? Man those people piss me off. All with their little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing little tops. Sheesh! Anyways, I'm willing to get hit, go nuts.

What I'm looking for: Anyone. Seriously.

Hobbies: Doing things other people want me to do.
Likes: I guess I can deal with ball gags.
Dislikes: Knives and shit, eHarmony.

One response from a fat guy and his wife.

Success!

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